This semester students from on campus environmental-oriented groups came together to host a symbolic wedding between “Big Oil” and Colorado College. This wedding, presented to bring light to the intricate relationship between CC and Big Oil, brought students into a conversation about the school’s continued refusal to divest from polluting industries.
The event took place in Colorado College’s Shove Chapel. The minister was meant to be Colorado College’s chief financial officer, played by Lucille Harp, the refreshments were provided by Max “Sloppy Joe” Reignwright, and musical accompaniment was provided by CC’s new all femme and neurodivergent rock pop grunge blues rap group “Your Mother’s Irrepressible Wrath.”
“Now I’m coming out of the ceremony just hoping that Big Oil and Colorado College have just a filthy honeymoon.”
The vows itself were a mix of relatable climate existential and sweeping indictments of the various underlying systems in capitalism. Despite this several students came away from the event with some confusion as to how they were meant to interpret the events.
“I think it would’ve been a bit more clear that we were supposed to be all like ‘yah fuck fossil fuels’ etc. if they hadn’t chosen someone so hot to be the individual representing big oil. Now I’m coming out of the ceremony just hoping that Big Oil and Colorado College have just a filthy honeymoon” said Emily Labrant ‘25.
This takeaway might have been in part because of some of the more tender moments that occurred during the course of the ceremony. The moments included Big Oil helping Colorado College readjust their veil, Big Oil gently holding and then, according to some reports, massaging Colorado College’s hand throughout the course of the ceremony, and of course the genuinely tender way that Colorado College looked at Big Oil, which according to Labrant “can only be compared to the way that you would imagine the moon would run to embrace the sun when it comes time for them to collapse into one another.”
Other students had different takes on the situation but agreed some elements of the event needed tweaking. “I’m just saying they didn’t need to make him that hot,” said Elijah Werkama ‘24, “[the actor who played Big Oil] had me wishing I had some of that liquid gold in me so that he would go drilling that’s all I’ll say.”
The individual who played Big Oil who wished to stay anonymous for their safety said he hates that part of the message is being lost. “I told the producers of this event that if we wanted to be successful we would need to lose some of the whole “pump me daddy” aesthetic.”
In a twist however, the creators of this event are being met with some surprising allies in the fight for divestment as some donors join the movement on the principle of “separating the school from such a deeply eroticized Big Oil and troubling satanic practice of premarital sex” read a post from the head of this donor group.
No matter the means that brought students and donors together on this issue one thing has been made abundantly clear - wanting Big Oil might be sexy, but it’s definitely not good for your health.