Late Monday afternoon news broke of priceless founding documents pertaining to the origins of Colorado College being uncovered in Palmer basement after a minor explosion resulting from faulty experiment equipment in a principles of macroeconomics class.
The document, which was dated 1870 and signed by founding members of the school, revealed shocking details about the ideology of the institution. “We believe it is our sacred duty to honor and foster the greatest minds the West has to offer. We also believe there’s places like Stanford and the Ivies that already exist, so we’re gonna leave that to them.”
“Instead we’ll take the richies who want a granola school experience alongside some name recognition and call it a day.” The document continued, “Who would take that seriously? It’s just us being silly.”
In reaction to the document being found and verified by the special collections department on campus the president’s office released an informal statement. “Honestly I feel like I speak for everyone when I say that it comes as a bit of a relief. I mean all we’ve been doing this whole time is just little jokes,” said a representative from the office, “Raise in tuition? Joke. Departure of another president? A bit. Commiting to serve the underprivileged while still having a near 80% acceptance rate for full paying students? Literally so obviously a little prank.”
Some students however are finding the news incredibly shocking. “What the fuck do you mean I’m paying 90k a year just for a joke? I don’t need jokes, I’m literally already sleeping with a man.” said Angel Demarcio ‘25.
Despite initial upset and confusion this document seems to have opened the door for a whole number of new revelations from universities and colleges. With the head of the department of education recently being quoted as saying, “oh haha did you guys not read that text in the constitution about all of higher education being a joke? So much money though. Gotta stay getting those people their green.”
In response 12-25 students are planning a ‘chill-out’ on Tava quad “at some point in the near future with some activities to be offered and some people explicitly invited. BYOB obviously.”