What was supposed to be a friendly Second Saturday cardboard boating competition ended in chaos this block, as all three winners had their awards rescinded.
Officials initially granted the “Speed Boat Award” to Team Power of the Home Depot™, who completed the course a full minute before all other teams. The significant time discrepancy raised immediate suspicion, forcing event organizers to investigate the call. Upon inspection of the winning vessel, officials discovered six feet of PVC pipes, seventeen steel angle brackets, and at least three cans of Flex Seal®. “We honestly aren’t sure how we missed this during the pre-race inspection,” said one official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I suspect the team must have bribed me to allow it through.”
Meanwhile, the “Titanic Award” for spectacular sinking was awarded to Team Go Falcons Fuck Yeah, whose boat went down in a glorious blaze of fire and whitewater. Shortly after the announcement was made, an audience member sporting sunglasses and a small black wire in his ear passed a slip of paper to a race official, who immediately declared over the loudspeaker that the award had been “recalled.” When asked about the incident, the captain of Team Falcons replied, “obviously we aren’t Air Force cadets. What are you talking about? Team Home Depot put that defective warhead on our boat.”
Tragically, even the “Design Award” for best theme was not immune from scandal. Team Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds learned several hours after the race that they had been stripped of the award due to “illegal doping.” When asked for comment, the team captain only said, “dude, how can a community be expected to construct a relief print, functional form, and fine art object without a little performance enhancing?”
Following the seismic storm of disqualifications, officials sent a school-wide email announcing that every award would instead be given to Team McBaller ’19. McBaller ’19, speaking on condition of anonymity, declined to comment.